"I want food." Vincent pleaded as he sat behind the computer beside his two friends. Ashley didn't seem to notice his complaint as she looked up another long list of books to pull and go over, while he and Shelton were stuck looking through journals online. He was now on the children's defense fund website clearly out of his element. He frowned looking to Shelton who stared at him longingly. They both wanted the hell out of here.
    "Can't we take a small break, maybe?" Shelton asked their task master wistfully while Vincent poked him in the side, well beyond his limit of caring.
    "There are vending machines a floor down you may go to those and be back within ten minutes, how does that sound?" Ashley didn't bother to look at her two friends as she brushed her hair over her shoulder and set off to gather another pile of resources. She was going to blow away her teacher with this research paper.
    "It sounds terrible." Vincent admitted as he pulled Shelton's arm and followed her directions.
    Once in the stairwell they both looked at each other and laughed. "I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to be doing."
    Vincent said speaking above a whisper for the first time in an hour. He looked triumphant as his voice echoed down the flights of stairs.
    "Just print the stuff out she is asking for and don't ask questions." Shelton mumbled wondering if everyone in the library heard his near shout.
    "I pity whoever has to work for her in the future. But if I ever run into trouble with the law I know where to go for a lawyer at least." Vincent thought aloud trying to look on the positive side of this adventure. He doubted they were going to leave this building until it was closed for the night.
    "Do you plan on getting in trouble with the law?" Shelton whispered as they opened the door and looked for the alcove of mechanical dispensers of distraction. Ashley had forbid him to have his cell phone on while he was helping her and he wondered what Cullen was up too. She was right though, he probably wouldn't have gotten any work done…still if stung to know she didn't trust him enough to help her.
    "Maybe, I don't know. It's nice to know you have someone to turn to just in case…right?"
    "If you say so."
    "Chips." Vincent blurted out once he saw the machine and moved to place his hands on the glass. "I didn't eat lunch today I'm trying to lose weight, but now I'm starving. Get them for me I forgot my wallet upstairs."
    "You don't need to lose weight." Shelton grumbled as he pulled out his wallet and handed it his friend. "I have to pee."
    Vincent took the wallet and nodded while he looked at the small bag of potato chips like they were a god. He could hear his stomach growling and decided he would at least have to eat some fruit or something to hold him over until dinner. He would ignore his friend's opinion about his weight. When he was with Seth he felt like a cow. The athletic teen was ripped and he wanted to slim down too.

    Opening the wallet he pulled out two dollars and then noticed the little plastic wrapper poking out from the inner pocket. He pulled it out and smiled wondering when Shelton had started to carry condoms with him where ever he went. Well, someone certainly had a lively night life it seemed. He stuffed the thing back in its place and hurried to collect his nourishment of fried goodness. Watching the bag fall he gathered the change and put it into his own pocket. Attacking the small bag once he pulled it from the machine with his teeth he opened it and poured half the contents into his mouth.
    "You really were hungry." Shelton stated the obvious when Vincent closed his eyes against the salt that followed the chips into his mouth.
    "I'm getting another bag." He informed instead of asking when he took more of his friend's money. "Hey is this like a new thing, carrying these around?"
    "What?" Shelton asked clearly confused by the question until Vincent held up the condom from his wallet. "No, remember you insisted I take it with me when Cullen picked me up at my house."
    "Wait," Vincent said and turned still holding the thing to face his friend. "This is the condom I gave you…"
    "Yes, what does it matter I just haven't had time to take it out of my wallet yet." Shelton gave his friend a questioning look not sure what the issue was this time.
    "Oh, well then Seth and I were really mistaken the other day." Vincent frowned, sounding disappointed while taking his second bag of chips and opening them.
    "What do you mean mistaken? What the hell are you talking about?"
    "We thought you two fucked in the shower…I mean you guys looked like you did…" Vincent mumbled pulling the bag open and walking towards the stairs.
Shelton stood still for a moment or two confused but then caught up to him as he opened the door and started to ascend the stairs.
    "We did. We did have sex." Shelton said a bewildered expression still on his face. What the hell was Vincent talking about?

    Vincent stopped at the top of the flight of stairs and looked back at his friend.  "But that's the condom I gave you the other day and it's been in your wallet since then."
    "Yeah…" The one word was drawn out like he was explaining something to an idiot. Hadn't they just gone over this?
    "Did you use another one?" Vincent narrowed his eyes and he gazed at his friend waiting for some sign of understanding to register on his face. And after a few seconds he was rewarded for his patience.
    "No…I didn't…we didn't use one…I guess." Shelton leaned against the railing and thought back to the beginning of the week.
    "So, you barebacked your sexy teach naughty, naughty boy." Vincent shook his head before eating another handful of chips.
    "I didn't mean to. I mean I didn't even think about it while we…I was caught up in the moment. I just wanted to be with him."
    "And one thing led to another excuse, I see how it is you little slut."
    "Vincent!" Shelton protested and stormed up the steps taking the half empty bag from his hands.
    "Give those back."
    "Take it back, I'm not a slut!" Shelton pouted honestly offended by his friend's teasing this time around.
    "Alright, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it." Vincent sounded properly contrite and that was the only reason he got his snack back. "So, how was it? I've never done it raw."

    Vincent seemed uncharacteristically shy after asking and knelt to hide halfway behind the bars of the railing on the flight above. "You were the top right?"
Shelton nodded slightly embarrassed by the discussion and the suddenly timid behavior of his otherwise uninhibited friend. Vincent crawled until he was seated on the top step to their floor and only then realized how dirty the stairs were. He waited until Shelton had sat down beside him to wipe the dirt off his hands onto his friend's shorts.
    "Thanks." Shelton sighed and brushed the dust and filth back onto the stairs.
    "Do you prefer being on top, because I remember I mostly was on top wasn't I?" Vincent inquired and then cleared his throat. "I guess it's kinda late to ask you which you like better huh?"
    "Yeah, you were on top more than I was. It doesn't really matter, didn't matter trust me. I…enjoy both positions, and you really seemed to like being the top."
His fifteen year old friend blushed slightly and smiled while leaning into his shoulder. "But if you had to choose one what would it be?"
    "Uh, bottom I guess." Shelton reassured his friend with his answer.
    "Okay, cause I mean Seth asked me the other day if he could you know…do me and it got me to thinking about when were together and you never really did ask and I was wondering if you were just being nice and not telling me you wanted to…you know cause you knew I liked it."
    "Have I ever not told you what I thought of you?"

    His friend's loud laughter answered the question well enough. They'd always been brutally honest with each other.
    "I think for me anyway being the bottom takes more…self confidence. That's why I want to lose a couple pounds. His body is so perfect and I'm not and I won't be able to hide that when he is over top of me ya'know what I mean?"
    "You have nothing to worry about. I am one hundred percent sure he views you as being perfect too. That's the reason he wants to be with you dumbass, don't go changing yourself for someone else anyway. Seth doesn't want that he wants you, cause you're wonderful just how you are."
    "I think that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me…thanks." Vincent said quite seriously and punched his friend in the shoulder.
    "So, ya gonna let him?" Shelton asked leaning back against the stairs.
    "Oh hell yes, I mean yeah sure." Vincent coughed again to cover up his enthusiasm. "It's nice to know I can talk to you about stuff like this. That's why I want you and Seth to become friends too."
    "We already are as far as I am concerned." Shelton smiled and patted his friend on the arm. "If he ever needs to talk I'm here to listen."
    "Are you going to let Cullen…be on top?"
    "Let him? I cannot wait until he does, but I think the issue is going to be whether or not he wants to do that. "
    "Do what?" Ashley asked as he opened the door and figured she would find her two so called friends' hiding in the stairwell.
    "Shelton wants Cullen to be on top." Vincent said as he looked over his shoulder up at Ashley.
    "Uh, I don't want to hear about this. I mean in all seriousness I do, but we have to work to do right now so stop being lazy and get to the get` n." She pulled them both up by their collars and dragged them back to their computers. She already had four stack of book she needed to look through for her assignment while they had been off doing lord knows what.
    "What is your report anyway?" Vincent groaned as he clicked randomly on the keyboard while staring at her.
    "I have to do a report on three cases in my general topic area. I chose child abuse and neglect. So, I have to do an overview of the three cases from start through the finish of the trials and the verdicts and my own opinions. I can do that on my own, but we are here for the extra credit paper we can turn in and you know me of course I am handing one in."
    Both the boys turned to each other and smiled "Of course."
    "Yes, anyway I am writing my paper on why the government needs to put more resources into protecting children's welfare and into prosecuting those who commit child abuse and neglect. Long story short we need to find research about the long lasting effects of childhood abuse and neglect to support my view in the paper." Ashley said and took a deep breath.
    "If that was the short story I would hate to hear the long version you were sounding like Shelton on one of his rants." Vincent grinned and waited for the inevitable. Both of them smacked him on the head and he laughed knowing them so well.
    "Just look at the list of sites I gave you and print out anything that can help me in my paper you ass."
    "Yes sir." Vincent saluted and ducked his head when a book went flying by. Shelton however didn't seem to have his nature reflexes and the book hit him square in the side of his face.
    "Children this is a library please settle down now." Shelton whispered hoarsely and then stuck out his tongue.
    Ashley winked and him before settling back behind her pile of books and looked like she was ready for the long haul. He sighed and leaned back in the chair starting at the top of the extensive list she gave him while Vincent continued to mindlessly click away at the screen. He figured he was going to have to do his portion of the work as well. The boy had the attention span of a gnat when it came to anything but sex.
    
    Ashley heard another long drawn out sigh, but this time she wasn't quite sure which of her boys it came from. It was nearing the time of closing for the library and she was pleasantly surprised they had lasted as long as they did with only mild bitching from Vincent. She had about ten books in her pile to keep and she saw Shelton had quite a pile of print outs next to him, but even her most loyal friend was starting to stray off topic. She often worried about the future of the two, but she would have to reward them for their efforts.  
    "We will be out of here in minute and then I will buy the two of you dinner so shut up." She cooed as Vincent threw his hands up in the air and slammed his head on the desk.
    "Thank God I am about to die."
    "Really now, really?" Ashley hissed through her teeth.
    "Sorry not all of us are cut out to be lawyers like the great Ashley A. Appleton" Vincent retorted as he stood up and slammed his stack of papers on the table next to her.
    "Here is all the stuff I found. I think you have more than enough." Shelton said as he placed his stack neatly beside her pile of books.
    "This book is perfect!" She said when she closed the cover of the thick hardcover she was just reading. "It has precisely what I was looking for. Mr. Humphrey's told me to look up this local psychiatrist, who is also a guest professor at the college he does research for in the summer. She works with victims of child abuse, but also specializes in the detrimental long term effects of early childhood neglect on cognitive development and function. It's perfect!"
    "The what in the what on the who?" Vincent cringed and rubbed his temples. "Big words make my head hurt and my tummy is still empty too. Bad Ashley!"
    "We'll be finished in a second I just need to look up if they have anymore of Dr. Nehru's books."

    Shelton's hand suddenly still as he was pulling a granola bar out of his book bag for Vincent. He swung his head around and stared at Ashley like she was speaking another language.
    "What is wrong with you?" Ashley asked when she saw the color drain from her friend's face.
    "What was the name of the author of that book?"
             "Dr. Nehru, Aditi Nehru." She struggled with the pronunciation of the name and held up the book showing him the picture on the back of the cover.
    Shelton grabbed the book and sat himself down staring at the black and white photo. She was a psychiatrist…he shook his head and flipped to the inside cover of the book.
    "What's going on?" Ashley asked this time softer as she moved to look over his shoulder.
    "You look like you're going to throw up." Vincent qualified as he sat down next to Shelton and poked him in the side.
    "What's this book about again?" he asked clamping onto her arm.
    "That hurts stop it!" She tried to pull away but Shelton only pulled her closer. "What has come over you?"
    "Just answer the question and make it simple so an idiot like me can understand." He whispered his voice taking on a hard edge.

    Ashley had never seen him look so intent on something. She certainly never heard him take that tone with anyone least of all herself. She tried to pull away again and this time was relieved when he let go of her arm and let her step back a space.
    "The book is about her studies of early childhood abuse and neglect, specifically how it pertains to cognitive development in adolescents and later internal and external communication processes."
    "I said simple!"
    "How abuse and neglect affects the mind and how it connects to other functions in the body like...speech." She mumbled and took another step back afraid of the sudden heat she saw in the hazel eyes. "Why does it matter so much to you?"

    Cullen strained his neck to look over the high back of the chair and sighed heavily. He couldn't see the clock and if he pulled out his cell phone Aditi would smack him upside the head he was sure of it. She was at her desk this time around so he was forced to sit across from her as she stared at him with her dark eyes. He glared right back at her but smiled when she laughed. He knew his mother had informed her of his panic attack because everything he told his mother went right to her. He should be upset by the turn of events, but the truth was he was too worn out at the moment to care. He hadn't slept well since the attack and his long days at school only added to his exhaustion. He cleared his throat and took a sip of the water which she poured for him and rolled his shoulders.
    "Are you overly stressed recently? Is there something bothering you at work or school?" Aditi asked as she folded her hands over the folder she was writing in. She was getting ready for another presentation at some conference he was sure. She was always busy and knew in two weeks she would be out of state for a time. He didn't mind not seeing her for a few weeks though if he was honest with himself.
    "No." Cullen mumbled and cleared his throat once again.
    "Are you going to be stubborn about this? I know you and I know something must have happened to set off this attack. It has been so long since you have had one."
    "It was noth..thing."  Cullen insisted as he poked at the edge of her desk and decided he needed to speak to his mother about keeping her mouth shut next time around. He wouldn't though, he knew she was just worried.
    "You know how important it is to express your emotions. I understand your hesitation and the reason you keep everything inside of you, but I am and have always been here to help you. I admit it is like pulling teeth trying to get anything from you." Aditi rarely spoke to any of her patients in the way she did Cullen, but he was ever as a son to her. Her feelings towards him were highly unprofessional but she didn't get rat's ass.

    He smiled despite his reservations. She was right he always had made her job more difficult. It wasn't anything personal he just didn't feel like he needed to share his every thought with the world, or any of his thoughts for that matter. He did always manage to give her the run around for the most part.
    "I remember when you were younger you flat out refused to speak to me during our sessions, but once the time was over and your mother came to pick you up you just signed away pretty as you please. It drove me crazy!"
    "S..sorry." He wasn't but he thought he should say it anyway.

    She leaned back in the leather chair and tapped her pen on the tip of her nose. She decided to try to take another direction with their time this week. She would get some information out of him if it killed them both.
    "You look tired." She hedged while watching the young man take another sip of the water. She was pleased she didn't have to remind him speak today like she so often did. He had arrive at the office early and seemed unwilling, or too tired to put up much of a fight.
    "Can't s..sleep rec..cent..ly." he took a deep breath and pouted. He hadn't meant to mention that.
    "Are you having your nightmares still?" She whispered and touched his hand that played nervously on her desk. He did have a habit of moving his hands as he spoke to her, flexing his fingers probably made him feel more at ease with the awkwardness of his speech. A way for him to control some aspect of the uncontrollable, and she found the movements ever endearing.

    He furrowed his eyebrows and thought about lying to her instead he nodded and fell back into his chair as well. She frowned at him and then took his hand in hers rubbing his palm slowly while shaking her head in regret.
    "I wish you would tell me what scares you so much. I think if you say it, share it with someone it would lose some of its power over you. You keep so much of your pain hidden inside that it eats away at you. You don't need to suffer alone anymore Cullen. I've been trying to get you to see that for so long."
    "I'm not s..suffer..ing anymore." He insisted and smiled up at her. They had saved him, why didn't they understand that. He was safe now.
    "You're still afraid I see it in your eyes when you speak of the past. When you open up a bit and let me in, I see the uncertainty then."
    "They are my memorie..es to deal wi..th. No one can era…ase them." he pulled his hand from her warm grasp and held it against his chest.
    "No, we can never erase our past. All of our experiences make us who we are today, but you are wrong when you think you need to face those fears alone. You always isolate yourself, but you do it for everyone else's benefit don't you?"

    Cullen turned from her then and felt heat rise to his face. He hated her prying and hated it more when she hit the mark dead on.
    "You think you need to protect everyone from your troubles, that by keeping all this locked away you can remain normal. You wanted to be safe for so long, and now you are Cullen. But this little 'safe' world you have created for yourself holds everyone else at a distance. And now that you have gained what you sought after don't you think it's time to take a step out of that bubble."
    "I don't mean to." He whispered and looked at her with longing and the uncertainty she spoke of earlier. "I don't w..want to hurt anyone."
    "Hurt, how so?" Aditi leaned forward and beckoned him to do the same. The youth shook his head and lifted his hands. She didn't stop him when he started to sign, not this time.
    'They will only see what happened to me when they look at me. If I tell people what he did they won't…' he paused trying to figure out what he wanted to say, what he wanted to express to her without truly letting her see how much the topic of his past disturbed him.
    "You're afraid people will only pity you then and you don't want their sympathy. You've worked very hard to become the successful individual you are today."
    'What does it matter if they know about my past or not, I'm not that same person anymore, things are different now.  I don't think it is necessary for everyone I meet to know every damn thing about me.'
    "Well of course not. No one discloses themselves completely to anyone and surely not everyone. You're being obtuse on purpose, stop it."

    He rolled his eyes at her but nodded all the same. She might as well be his mother for the way she spoke to him and damn it all if it didn't work. He found himself bending to her will when she snapped at him. He still held back though, always did when he was with her. He liked to find the middle ground and please everyone, what was so wrong with that?  He didn't think it was such a horrid thing to want to have a peaceful life. If anyone deserved a peaceful life it was him for Christ's sake!
    'It wouldn't have been so bad if Shelton was there.'
    "Really?" Aditi asked and saw the color drain from her young friend's face. He narrowed his eyes at her and looked down at his hands. She contained her smile, though barely. It was quite obvious by his expression he hadn't realized he signed that particular thought for the world to see. "How are things since you've brought it up?"
    'I don't wish to discuss us.' He shook his head vigorously to drive his point home.

    She smiled then unable to hold back. His short sentence was very telling in her mind. He had said 'us', and not named the boy specifically so he already thought of them as one.    
    "Oh, but I think maybe we should."
    'Well you think wrong!' He clapped his hands over his ears as she started in on her high pitched laughter. Sometimes he honestly thought she was trying to make him deaf, clearly all his other problems weren't enough for her.
    "Ah you make me smile." She said wiping a tear from her eye as she called down. "Still, your opinion means nothing to me. Why would it have been easier if he was there?"

    Cullen glared at her and looked like he was about to throw a punch, but then he immediately changed tactics and looked on the verge of tears.
    "Stop that it's not going to work this time around." She knew him to well to be fooled by the theatrics.

    Giving up on that plan he puffed out a breath of air as he brushed his hair away from his face. He tried not to blush, lost that battle as well and then shrugged his shoulders. 'I feel better when I am with him. I mean last time I was sleeping with him and had a nightmare it was nice to have him near.'

    He dared to look up at her and saw the shock on her face and then recapped what he had just told her and nearly squeaked. 'Slept next to him, not with him! Next to him!'

    She winked at him and he felt like screaming for the first time in his life. Oh lord now she was going to want to know everything about his sex life. Well, it didn't really matter he supposed since he really didn't have that much of it to share anyway. He smiled at that thought and laughed to himself, Jesus she wasn't going to let this go he could tell by the look in her eyes. She was going pry into his relationship with him; he had stepped in a big pile of it this time.
    'I don't want to discuss my sex life with you!' he flailed frantically and she started laughing again.
    "And I'm not all that sure I would want to hear about it, no offense. I'm not that kind of psychiatrist." She teased and was delighted when he colored bright red, stood up, and turned his back on her.

    She thought it was precious how he embarrassed so easily. Her little boy had grown up on her while her attention was elsewhere. He seemed to be searching for his bag and it was then she realized he really was going to get up and leave.
    "Oh, get back here and sit down." She motioned and was slightly surprised she didn't have to get up and drag him back into the chair. "It's nice to hear you can gain comfort from his presence. So, in general how are things going in your relationship?"
    'Fine.'
    "Good." She shot back just as fast. "Then everything is perfect?"
    'Yes.'
    "Really?"
    'Yes.'
    "This relationship is new and when you let another person become close it can be… difficult. Are you sure these new developments in life didn't have a role to play in your latest episode?"
    'Why would I think being with Shelton is difficult? I like being with him!' Cullen protested and tried to guard the truth she was getting too close to.
    "I didn't say you would, you do. What I am saying is there is always a certain amount of anxiety when it comes to new relationships."

    Her blonde haired, black eyed beauty seemed to be thinking about that statement for awhile before he tilted his head and bit his lower lip. 'I'm not sure why he likes me.'
    "You feel insecure?" Aditi knew she had come to the root of his nervousness lately when he clasped his hands together in front of his chest and nodded slowly.  "Why don't you talk to him about your feelings?"
    Cullen shook his head, 'I'll feel stupid if I do that.'
    "He won't think you are stupid. Having only met him once, I think I saw enough to know that boy is clearly infatuated with you. Not only from the bathroom, but at dinner he hung off your every word. I think you very well might be a god in his world."
    'I'm not though.' Cullen insisted. He wasn't some infallible being.
    "Then explain to him what you are."
    'This might sound dumb but here I go. If the world is a like a big production then Shelton is always on the stage. And I feel like I'm always behind the curtain.'
    "Then get out on the stage with him."
    'Here is the problem, I'm not all that sure I want to be on the stage.' Cullen admitted and then shrugged his shoulders he had made a mess of trying to explain. Shelton seemed so full of energy and life. He seemed to be thriving in the world, and all Cullen wanted to do was to be content and have peace. Still, he wanted to be with Shelton. He just didn't know if he was ready to handle having the lights on him constantly, or something along those lines. He really couldn't explain it even to himself.
    "You're afraid. You're afraid to let go of your control over your secure world. It's worked up until now hasn't it?" She said with a grin as she looked at the clock on the wall and saw their time over with half an hour ago.
    'What?'
    "Being alone."
    'I wasn't alone.'
    "Oh yes you were even within your family. If you held some part of yourself back you didn't have to feel anything when it came to your relationships with people. You were safe in the knowledge they couldn't hurt you because they didn't know you. Now you're apathy towards the world isn't holding up to your emotions towards Shelton. You're scared to get out onto that stage because if you do step out onto it you'll have to learn a whole new script and you're not sure you can."

    She saw a spark of anger in his black eyes and knew she nailed it on the head. He was terrified of making a mistake with Shelton, or showing his vulnerability. Couldn't he see what she saw in him, the unrelenting strength he had to succeed when all the odds were against him? She was sure his boyfriend already knew some part of his strong will. Anyone who met him did, everyone but himself it seemed.
    "What you need to do is take a break and relax for once and think things through long and hard my dear boy. Spring break is coming up, no? Why don't you take advantage of your parents' condo on the gulf and spend some time away from your school and work. Take a moment to breathe for the love of Pete." She suggested before standing up and pointing to the clock.

    Cullen stood and turned frowning at her for keeping him here longer then he had to be. He grabbed his bag and swung it over his shoulder before dismissing her from his thoughts as he left the office agitated at himself and her.
    "Hey Cullen." She shouted as he was halfway down the hall he turned with his hands fisted at his side. She really had worked him into a lather today. "Why don't you take Shelton down with you? You never know you might end up talking to him!"

    Cullen knew she wouldn't let it go! He stormed out of the building more for show than anything else and thought about her suggestion. His parents had offered a number of times for him to use the stupid beach house, but he wasn't a real beach going type person. It wouldn't be a bad idea though if he could get Shelton to come along. Hell it was the first good Idea Aditi had, had all day long.